The Pitch of Fear

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"Nah, towards the end just any old f*cker with an equity card..."

David teamed up with Mark Gatiss from The League of Gentlemen to write three short "spoof" links for the 1999 BBC TV "Doctor Who Night". The Pitch of Fear is a look back to how Doctor Who might have been pitched to the BBC.

A futher pastiche of this sketch was done by fans of the League of Gentlemen called "Pitching the Winterbornes".

Sketch transcribed by Sarah

Int: BBC Headquarters1963. Muffin the Mule is walking out of Mr Borusa's office. David Walliams plays Sidney and Mark plays Mr Borusa (1)

Mr Borusa: Yes Muffin, I'm sorry too...(2) (shuts the door) Alright Sidney, thanks for coming in (shakes hand)
Sidney: Pleasure Sir
Mr Borusa: I understand you have a little programme idea for us.
Sidney: Er yes sir..
Mr Borusa: Called...Drwhoo...?

Sidney: It's um, Dr Who, sir.
Mr Borusa: Oh I see!
Sidney: Basically it's about a man who can travel anywhere in space and time!
Mr Borusa: Game show is it?
Sidney: No, Science Fiction.

Mr Borusa: Ohhh..
Sidney: His time machine is disguised as a police box - well he calles it a TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space because it's actually- it's bigger on the inside than the outside!
Mr Borusa: Been done hasn't it? (3)

Sidney: I'm sorry?
Mr Borusa: Go on!
Sidney: He's not a human he's a time lord, and there's all kinds of monsters and aliens.
Mr Borusa: We're looking for something to go just after the football scores just before Jukebox Jury.
Sidney: Well this is- this is it, I mean it's a real family show!
Mr Borusa: Oh smashing! Well how long do you envisage the show running?
Sidney: We..phrawah..*thinks a bit* 26 years?
Mr Borusa: Really?
Sidney: Yes! I've got it all worked out! The Doctor starts off as a crotchety old man than after 3 years he completely changes!
Mr Borusa: Regenerates as it were?
Sidney: Yes! Re-generates into, well, a cosmic hobo.
Mr Borusa: And how long does he last?
Sidney: Another 3 years then he changes into a dashing dandy with a mane of white hair and a strange old-young face (4)
Mr Borusa: Well who do we have in mind for that incarnation?
Sidney Well I've spoken to Jon Pertwee's agent, he becomes free in 1970.
Mr Borusa: Right
Sidney: But we've got to release him by 1974, *leans across desk* he's got Wurzel Gummage (5)
Mr Borusa: Of course (leans towards Sydney, they almost kiss..but then walk away from each other..) I've erm, got some drawings here of what the Doctor might wear.

Sidney: Yes Sir. I think it's important for the first 18 years we get the costume exactly right. An Edwardian feel - waistcoats, frock coats
Mr Borusa: Then after that?
Sidney: Brrr anything goes really! Jumpers, cricket whites, clowns costumes (6)
Mr Borusa: But won't that spoil the mystery of the character?
Sidney: Yes.
Mr Borusa: Hmm we could always put questions on the lapels. Sort of 'Dr Who'! (7) *chuckles to self* I just thought of a joke actually.. knock knock!

Sidney: Who's there?
Mr Borusa: Doctor.
Sidney: Doctor Who. (8)
Mr Borusa: You just said it!
Sidney: *looks confused* I don't get it...
Mr Borusa: Oh...
Sidney: But I tell you now I don't want to do this show unless we get the most charasmatic, talented actors to play the Doctor!
Mr Borusa: For the whole 26 years?
Sidney: Nah, towards the end just any old f*cker with an equity card...
Mr Borusa: Interesting.. Hmm *sits back, thinks & starts humming* bobadabom bobadabom

(There's a knock at the door in time to the humming, like the Dr Who theme. A courier comes in (played by Paul Putner) and gives something to Mr Borusa to sign, and taps at the desk as Borusa does the 'Oo oo Ooo oo oo' bit of the theme. As he leaves Borusa gargles into his drink, sounding like the TARDIS materialising...)

Sidney: What was that?
Mr Borusa: What?

End of sketch.

Footnotes

1. Mr Borusa is of course a refernce to President Borusa of Galifrey and the Time Lords.

2. A reference that Dr Who was written as a childrens programme, to replace the classic Muffin the Mule, which ended its run in 1955.

3. A line echoed in The Web of Caves - a reference to the fact that Doctor who plots and monsters are recycled ad nauseum.

4. This is how John Pertwee's doctor (the third Doctor) was always described in the novellisations.

5. Another children's programme about a scarecrow who had multiple heads. John Pertwee starred alongside Una Stubbs as Aunt Sally.

6. It was often said that Colin Baker's (the sixth doctor) costume made him look like a clown.

7. Another reference to Colin Baker's costume. Mark thought he ruined the series! At a recent Tom Baker signing there was a woman there who was advertised as the woman who "put the question marks on the lapels"!

8. Any child of the 70s/80s will remember this classic playground joke.